The sun is finally here, like a drunk ex-girlfriend or an irritating rash it shows up when it is least expected. Of course, stating the obvious, it brings sunshine, warm weather and groinal sweating but what else does the penguins least favourite weather bring?
1. Surf shorts. Usually worn by pretentious hipster pricks who want to let everyone know that they surf...even if it was once on a family holiday in Brighton when they lay on a rented board for half an hour whilst getting sun burnt because wearing sun cream is "for losers"
2. Low tops. The rays of cancerous UV rays are the perfect excuse for any young lady to show off as much cleavage as possible whilst also "accidentally" allowing some bra to crest over the horizon. It is also a good excuse for our good ol' hipster buddies to show off their ribcage by also partaking in the low top fad, "Wow, I love it, you have a crown tattooed where you should have chest hair, that is so original".
3. Ice Cream. Because it is fucking awesome.
4. This conversation...*Person you work with catches your eye in the breakroom by accident, there is an awkward silence before you say the first thing that come to your head*, "It looks nice out there", "Yeah, shame we are stuck in here all day", *Forced laughter*, "Yeah, where did it come from all of a sudden?", "Dunno, the news said it should be like this all week", "Let's hope!", *You both return to your disgusting homemade sandwiches which are filled with warm Smart Price wafer thin ham and cold, lonely tears*.
5. Windows. Remember those see-through things that are stuck on your walls that helpfully keep the outside world where it belongs? They are behind those horrible, off-white pieces of material that hang off the wall designed to block out the grey ugliness of your neighbours house. Yeah? You know the things, you see them on TV sometimes. Well those things, you get to open them and let the sickening outside world in.
6. Reminders of your loneliness. Whilst you walk through your city/town/village/hamlet/field and the sunshine beats down relentlessly onto the drab greyness of your life you get to see in crystal clearness all the wonderfully happy couples, holding hands, and kissing, and touching, and laughing, and squealing, and generally being happy and carefree, all the while you drag your lifeless, loveless body through the crowd wishing to be part of the sunny fingerfest. But you are not, you are sad loner, and as they run joyfully through the park with a kite all you want is for that kite to hit a fucking pylon and for two hundred thousand volts of beautiful electric to go tearing through their fucking bodies and as they fry from the inside, fused together from the searing heat which is melting their skin into one massive blob of burning flesh and bones all you can hope is that they fucking regret how stupidly happy they were two minutes ago.
7. Salad. Because it's nice to eat healthily in the sunshine.
8. Regrets. This comes in many forms, like regretting the decision to wear a jacket. Or to not wear sunglasses. Or regretting buying a hot coffee instead of a cold bottle of Coke. Or regretting leaving your dog in the car. Or not leaving your crying, stroppy, misbehaving baby in the car (you know who you are, you pricks).
9. Trips to the beach with your girlfriend/boyfriend. I am joking obviously, see point #6.
10. Fellating a donkey whilst listening to the Kings of Leon, but not their new stuff because that is shit. This is not a suggestion or a fact, it's not really a thing but it felt weird only having 9 points.
That is about it really, enjoy the sunshine, just remember not to look directly at it or you will see white spots in your eyes for 10-15 seconds then nothing bad at all will happen after that.
P.S. Just to clarify my earlier statement about penguins and sunshine, it was wrong, penguins fucking love the sun.
