Stop looking at my burger Batman!

The Internet is fucking awesome, more awesome than I can ever describe...when I was younger we were very limited to how we accessed information, our main source of data was Encarta, do you remember Encarta? Of course you don't you fucking idiot, you are too young and hip to remember Encarta. This blog spot isn't about Encarta, it is actually about twats, not the twats you see daily if you Google the term but Facebook twats, for example this twat...

"People of Facebook.. I am deleting my account due to the fact I am exhausted from the past 5 years... monitoring other people business and measuring my life against theirs.. no offensive.

If you would like to remain in contact to with me my number 07********9


I'll be deleting my account tomorrow midnight... Ha. 


Thanks Facebook you've been fun!


"Bill Out!""

By leaving you number on a easily accessible website you are opening yourself up to all sorts of shit, Twat.

Kiwi Fruit is not a incorrect pizza topping

Love is a dirty equation...

You are A, the person you fancy is B.

You fancy B because B is attractive.

The issue is that C, D and E agree that B is hot like a tamale.

In the history of the world noone has ever stayed with someone because they where, A. More intellectual, B. More Fun, C. Could recite more Christmas Carols.

You are judged on your fuckability...if you lose then you are fucked (or not as the case may be) but if you win you get a dirty whore bonus night.

You, my friend, will always lose.

Fish don't seem to respect the "Fist-Bump".

"You are an uneducated, uncultured moron, if a slug were to drag it's spineless, slimy body across my garden path I would feel more for it than if I had to shoot your pig-ugly, idiotic face with a shotgun whist your mother wept in the corner dying of cancer."

The above is an extract from the book "Art and it's 49 qualities". I wanted to think about "art" today, I put the word "art" in quotation marks because the word has lost all meaning in the last fuck-knows-how-many years. Art was once a majesty, a beautiful pictorial composition that took our breath away; today it is a splodge on a canvas.

I have recently finished an art degree (I would like to add that "finishing an art degree" is about triumphant as announcing you have "wiped after going number twos") and had the "pleasure" (you may have noticed I have used the good ol' quotation marks too many times during this blog, it is a good way of dissociating yourself from something, maybe Gerald Ratner should have done the same...this is a 90's joke and if you understood it maybe you should kill yourself) of visiting the Fine Art degree show (putting Fine Art in capitals infers more respect than is actually deserved), what I found at this "show" was a lot of shit, a ton of shit, a fuck load of shit infact.

I think we need to all face fact...art it shit...I could bang on for upwards of 400 words about the essence of art but what art is is nice things to look at, not a squiggly on a page, not a pile of sand with a stick in the top of it, not even a dead rat with a row of Christmas light protruding out of it's ass.

The issue here is not art per se but what toss-pots define as art, if you have ever been to an art exhibition (I am stupidly middle class) then you may be familiar with the stuck-up hipster dicks that populate these arenas. They stare at the canvas' of purple dots and declare that the "inner voice" of the artist is speaking out. They see a blank wall with a drawing pin stuck in it and talk about the "desperate angst of the protagonist". Do you know what the rest of us see? We see a load of purple spots, we see someone whose time would have been better spent learning how to serve up the appropriate amount of chips for a medium McMuggest meal, we see nearly £10,000 of loans wasted on a "painting" that would struggle to make 50p at auction.

I don't want to bang on too long (mainly because I will probably return to this subject soon and don't want to waste all my "good material") but we need to stand up as one and say...THAT IS SHIT...I LIKE RED BUT THERE IS TOO MUCH IN YOUR PAINTING...YOUR PHOTO OF A DOG DEFECATING IS NOT ONLY BORING BUT NOT VERY WELL FRAMED.

Please do not accept this "Fine Art" bullshit, if it is crap call it out! If you can get a picture then sent it to me and I will let you know the bullshit level on it; if there is a "Artist Statement" then PLEASE send it to me because they are like the spunky whipped cream on the bullshit cheesecake.

Not watching Avatar out of principle

The sun is finally here, like a drunk ex-girlfriend or an irritating rash it shows up when it is least expected. Of course, stating the obvious, it brings sunshine, warm weather and groinal sweating but what else does the penguins least favourite weather bring?

1. Surf shorts. Usually worn by pretentious hipster pricks who want to let everyone know that they surf...even if it was once on a family holiday in Brighton when they lay on a rented board for half an hour whilst getting sun burnt because wearing sun cream is "for losers"

2. Low tops. The rays of cancerous UV rays are the perfect excuse for any young lady to show off as much cleavage as possible whilst also "accidentally" allowing some bra to crest over the horizon. It is also a good excuse for our good ol' hipster buddies to show off their ribcage by also partaking in the low top fad, "Wow, I love it, you have a crown tattooed where you should have chest hair, that is so original".

3. Ice Cream. Because it is fucking awesome.

4. This conversation...*Person you work with catches your eye in the breakroom by accident, there is an awkward silence before you say the first thing that come to your head*, "It looks nice out there", "Yeah, shame we are stuck in here all day", *Forced laughter*, "Yeah, where did it come from all of a sudden?", "Dunno, the news said it should be like this all week", "Let's hope!", *You both return to your disgusting homemade sandwiches which are filled with warm Smart Price wafer thin ham and cold, lonely tears*.

5. Windows. Remember those see-through things that are stuck on your walls that helpfully keep the outside world where it belongs? They are behind those horrible, off-white pieces of material that hang off the wall designed to block out the grey ugliness of your neighbours house. Yeah? You know the things, you see them on TV sometimes. Well those things, you get to open them and let the sickening outside world in.

6. Reminders of your loneliness. Whilst you walk through your city/town/village/hamlet/field and the sunshine beats down relentlessly onto the drab greyness of your life you get to see in crystal clearness all the wonderfully happy couples, holding hands, and kissing, and touching, and laughing, and squealing, and generally being happy and carefree, all the while you drag your lifeless, loveless body through the crowd wishing to be part of the sunny fingerfest. But you are not, you are sad loner, and as they run joyfully through the park with a kite all you want is for that kite to hit a fucking pylon and for two hundred thousand volts of beautiful electric to go tearing through their fucking bodies and as they fry from the inside, fused together from the searing heat which is melting their skin into one massive blob of burning flesh and bones all you can hope is that they fucking regret how stupidly happy they were two minutes ago.

7. Salad. Because it's nice to eat healthily in the sunshine.

8. Regrets. This comes in many forms, like regretting the decision to wear a jacket. Or to not wear sunglasses. Or regretting buying a hot coffee instead of a cold bottle of Coke. Or regretting leaving your dog in the car. Or not leaving your crying, stroppy, misbehaving baby in the car (you know who you are, you pricks).

9. Trips to the beach with your girlfriend/boyfriend. I am joking obviously, see point #6.

10. Fellating a donkey whilst listening to the Kings of Leon, but not their new stuff because that is shit. This is not a suggestion or a fact, it's not really a thing but it felt weird only having 9 points.

That is about it really, enjoy the sunshine, just remember not to look directly at it or you will see white spots in your eyes for 10-15 seconds then nothing bad at all will happen after that.

P.S. Just to clarify my earlier statement about penguins and sunshine, it was wrong, penguins fucking love the sun.

Fiddy's most bestest song

There are too many people in this room, you know your friend/lover/fuck buddy is in the area but you can't locate them. DID YOU KNOW THAT, BESIDES HUMANS, DOLPHINS ARE THE ONLY ANIMALS THAT HAVE SEXUAL INTERCOURSE FOR PLEASURE. I have put that in capital letters to let you know it is a fact, this is an amazing "get-out-clause" I have discovered, it basically means I can say what I want but but it is only a fact if I say it is capitals, if it is not then it is merely an opinion. Back to the original point...too many people, as you walk around you see the beautiful looking at you, drunkenly you think they are looking at you thinking "he is the one I want to get with"...so you chill out near them, trying to build up the courage to speak to them, you won't by the way. You are a loser, you wont ever get with that girl, you will merely sink into the depths of nothingness to end up in the hole of frick-all. It is OK, you are a good person, you are kind, generous and funny; like the movies one day you will bump into the perfect girl. Sorry to inform you but YOU FUCKING WON'T YOU STUPID CUNT, sorry. I needed to say it, do you know who the perfect girl for you is? She will be the sort of girl that will be a bit nervous around people and a little bit odd. Sometimes when she is angry she wrinkles up her nose and squints her eyes. Her favourite film is The Shawshank Redemption, she quietly weeps everytime Tim Robbins doesn't appear at cell count, even though she knows what happens next. Her favourite band is "Fall Out Boy", she calls them "rock" music, you know she clearly does not understand the rock genre but accept her because you think you can teach her everything she needs to know about music. She doesn't exist...at all...never...if you are looking for her you will not...you will die a sad and lonely person. There are too many people in this room, and none of them are your type...happy scouting.