Why are doorstops not as important today as they seemed to be in my childhood?

I meet a girl the other week. A human girl. With hair.

She was pretty and cute and nice and kind and lovely and other sickening adjectives.

This is the problem...I am none of those.

I am a vile human. A soulless, joyless hole; void of any emotion bar hate.

I would love to spend my days with her, running through fields picking daisies or going to the talkies watching Ryan Reynolds be seamlessly beautiful as he woos a girl or visit the Sealife Centre and pretend to be afraid of putting my hand in the touch pool just so she doesn't get too self conscious...but I can't...well I won't...well if I am being honest I can't.

I can't because she is too beautiful to ever really see me as more than just a friend. And I won't because I could never inflict myself on her.

I am a terrible person. I have demons inside me that I can't let another human see. A dark abyss that can only come from a soul-crushing life that has no reward. A life trudged through with all the lacklustre of a goat walking through quicksand; he knows his life will end eventually but can't pinpoint the moment the sheer banality will finally end.

She is so happy, so carefree and innocent.

As selfish organisms we only want what will benefit us. We find a person that will love us to reassure ourselves that we are a worthwhile human. We get a job to prove we can be valuable in society. That new iphone (It doesn't deserve the respect to be capitalised) you just got gives you a sense that you have earnt something in life.

It's all bullshit...but I digress

I can't bring myself to take away from her personality, her being, who she really is. I will be the black hole that will suck away her humanity. I will smash her innocents into a pulp with my depravity. I will rob her of her happiness just to feed my own vortex of hate.

And that is why I won't...not because I am scared, or worried that she could change me and make me a better person. Or that I am worried that being with her will make me happy. Or terrified that if I am truly happy it would be like sitting atop a house of cards in a strong wind and watching it sway from side to side, always nervous the whole thing would fall and and would tumble into a pile and be left lying on the cold dark floor of regret...............THAT IS NOT IT.

I am doing it for selfless reasons, because I care....